See-Saw

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My father-in-law died suddenly last month…it was sad and shocking and everything death is expected to be. My parents have been gone for years now, and my children never did get the chance to meet my dad.

As I sat this morning with my sweet little 2-year-old girl Lula she said “Mommy, See-Saw” I began to sing and she rocked back and forth ” See saw, knock on the door who’s there?”and Lula said the next word…”Grandpa”. The word startled me…it made me feel so completely sad and empty. Sadder than I was when I found out he passed or at his funeral.

There are no more Grandpa’s left for my children. My 2-year-old will never know him as my older children did. The loving, funny, big, strong Grandpa. The one that had all of the goodies to eat in the house even though Grandma prefered that they remain on the shelf at the store. The man who sang so beautifully to Harry Chapin songs and looked straight into your eyes when you told a story. The heartbeat of our family was gone.

I looked at my little girl and I felt so very sad for her that she would not remember him…we continued on with our rhyme and she giggled and laughed and when we were done she said “Again, mommy again.”

So, again and again, we sang..and each time that we said “Grandpa” It became easier…I could feel the sadness leaving replaced by warmth. The warmth I would feel when I saw his gentle smile and sparkling eyes.

And then I said ” Lula…again?”

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